OK...before I get started, let me answer a few questions and comments I know I'm going to get later today via Facebook and Twitter.
Q: "What kind of wings to you expect you'd get at LaVista Keno in the first place??"
A: Well, in their defense the dude eating a Patty Melt to my left, and a few French Dips with fries that came from the kitchen, actually did look and smell pretty good. So it's not like all of their food looked like a horror show.
|Who's hungry? Not me...now.|
Q: "How did you end up there?
A: Longtime "Twitter friend" and huge Kansas City Chiefs fan Ryan Larsen was here watching the Steelers/Chiefs game...so I decided to stop by. Actually, this is a great place to watch football and has some of the cheapest drink prices in town. $5 for pitcher? Hell yes!
Let me add a few additional points. I've been told by a bunch of people that the wings at Big Red Keno on Cass are supposed to be excellent....including from a chef that I know. So I figure that wings at this Keno joint might be passable.
Second, clearly stated on the menu (as denoted by a Martini glass) the wings are one of their "Signature Items"...which is now more like the "Chef Recommends" scene from Seinfeld when George orders clams casino from a diner.
|Anyone missing a toe?|
For those wondering how this works, wings are rated in 5 categories for a total potential perfect score of 50. The current reigning champion (by virtue of a committee vote) is The Pheasant with a total score of 48. And, for shits and giggles (mostly to get the shits) the worst score has been the gallbladder-seizing wings at the old Buffalo Company which clocked in at a pathetic 16.
Enough of that...grab a bucket and let's get down to the grim results.
First Impression: For the first split second I actually thought they didn't look awful. In fact, they almost reminded me of the delivery wings I would order in college on Sunday nights. At a second, and longer glance, they didn't appear to have any steam coming from them...had no spicy smell (actually they oddly emitted on real odor at all) and were covered in what appeared to be rotted ketchup.
A wise person would have immediately sent them straight to the garbage and demanded a refund. I on the other hand, am not all that wise, and dove my hand into what appeared to be the aftermath of a mob hit and grabbed the first wing...
|As seen on CSI|
Sauce: I'm using the word "sauce" here very loosely. A deep red gelatinous goo seemed to coat most of the wings but seemed to have been mostly attracted to the few unfortunate pieces on the right of my basket. The real hero of the afternoon was the waxpaper lining in said basket...it somehow managed to not allow any of the primeval ooze to leak onto the bar. Amazing!
Oddly enough, for their "medium" sauce, it had absolutely no taste whatsoever. It's like the only intent of the sauce was to frighten away any normal being from eating the wings it was trying to protect. From here on out, any references to the "sauce" will only be know as "The Blob".
|Give me your wings LaVista Keno!|
Crispy: What's the complete opposite of the word crispy? Spongy comes to mind. But that's not right either. How do I put this, these wings were so slimly and mushy that they would have been perfect for an elderly gentleman who recently misplaced his false teeth to safely "gum on" while new dentures were being made. Add to the fact that several of the wings were undercooked, to the point I had to spit a cold piece of chicken into my napkin with the bartender looking right at me, and I'm not sure these things ever sniffed anything resembling a fryer.
|The Blob was angry my friends|
Size: Not bad size, BUT, undercooked slimy wings...combined with The Blob...made them nearly impossible to pick up with out squirting from my fingers like picking up a bar of soap with a wet hand. If you do indeed dare to eat wings here, bring a ShamWow to attempt to get a better grip on these slimy little bastards. Several were unfortunately shaped, which once again when combined with The Blob, appeared to be severed big toes. Smaller wings might at least have a chance to be cooked thoroughly...but then again...maybe not.
Extras: To add insult to injury, they charge you an additional $.65 for blue cheese and of course didn't include celery. Just out curiosity, how much additional do I need to pay for these things to fried? I'd be willing to throw in a extra buck at this point. Mine actually came out with Ranch and blue cheese...the blue cheese had chunks of something in it...but very little in the way of taste. The Ranch was, by far, the highlight of the day. And I never eat Ranch on wings.
|Wings or a medical procedure?|
Final Score: 2 out of 50 (GRAB THE PEPTO-BISMOL!)
Well, there you have it. The previous low score was a 16 from a place that is now under new ownership. The worst part is, I've had wings WORSE than this once in Omaha...but that place is long been out of business.
Quite frankly, you'd have to intentionally try to make something this bad. Worse yet, it took them nearly 20 minutes to get them to me after I ordered. I assume 18 of those minutes were fishing around the dumpster out back to find ones left over from the night before. The only positive things to come from eating these wings is that they didn't have much of a taste...so I didn't belch up too much for the rest of the afternoon...AND...(fingers crossed) I didnt develop a raging case of food poisoning. So, I have that going for me...which is nice.