Monday, December 22, 2014

The Worst Wings in Omaha -- LaVista Keno

7101 South 84th Street
LaVista, Nebraska 
402-339-1606

OK...before I get started, let me answer a few questions and comments I know I'm going to get later today via Facebook and Twitter.

Q: "What kind of wings to you expect you'd get at LaVista Keno in the first place??" 

A: Well, in their defense the dude eating a Patty Melt to my left, and a few French Dips with fries that came from the kitchen, actually did look and smell pretty good. So it's not like all of their food looked like a horror show.
Who's hungry? Not me...now.

Q: "How did you end up there?

A: Longtime "Twitter friend" and huge Kansas City Chiefs fan Ryan Larsen was here watching the Steelers/Chiefs game...so I decided to stop by.  Actually, this is a great place to watch football and has some of the cheapest drink prices in town.  $5 for pitcher?  Hell yes!

Let me add a few additional points.  I've been told by a bunch of people that the wings at Big Red Keno on Cass are supposed to be excellent....including from a chef that I know.  So I figure that wings at this Keno joint might be passable.

Second, clearly stated on the menu (as denoted by a Martini glass) the wings are one of their "Signature Items"...which is now more like the "Chef Recommends" scene from Seinfeld when George orders clams casino from a diner.

Anyone missing a toe? 
Third, I think I remembered that someone once told me the wings here were good as well. Finally, I was hungry and it was lunch time.

For those wondering how this works, wings are rated in 5 categories for a total potential perfect score of 50.  The current reigning champion (by virtue of a committee vote) is The Pheasant with a total score of 48.  And, for shits and giggles (mostly to get the shits) the worst score has been the gallbladder-seizing wings at the old Buffalo Company which clocked in at a pathetic 16.

Enough of that...grab a bucket and let's get down to the grim results.

First Impression: For the first split second I actually thought they didn't look awful.  In fact, they almost reminded me of the delivery wings I would order in college on Sunday nights.  At a second, and longer glance, they didn't appear to have any steam coming from them...had no spicy smell (actually they oddly emitted on real odor at all) and were covered in what appeared to be rotted ketchup.

A wise person would have immediately sent them straight to the garbage and demanded a refund.  I on the other hand, am not all that wise, and dove my hand into what appeared to be the aftermath of a mob hit and grabbed the first wing...

Total: 1


As seen on CSI

Sauce:  I'm using the word "sauce" here very loosely.   A deep red gelatinous goo seemed to coat most of the wings but seemed to have been mostly attracted to the few unfortunate pieces on the right of my basket.  The real hero of the afternoon was the waxpaper lining in said basket...it somehow managed to not allow any of the primeval ooze to leak onto the bar. Amazing!

Oddly enough, for their "medium" sauce, it had absolutely no taste whatsoever.  It's like the only intent of the sauce was to frighten away any normal being from eating the wings it was trying to protect. From here on out, any references to the "sauce" will only be know as "The Blob".

Give me your wings LaVista Keno!
Total: 0

Crispy: What's the complete opposite of the word crispy? Spongy comes to mind. But that's not right either. How do I put this, these wings were so slimly and mushy that they would have been perfect for an elderly gentleman who recently misplaced his false teeth to safely "gum on" while new dentures were being made.  Add to the fact that several of the wings were undercooked, to the point I had to spit a cold piece of chicken into my napkin with the bartender looking right at me, and I'm not sure these things ever sniffed anything resembling a fryer.

Total: 0


The Blob was angry my friends

Size: Not bad size, BUT, undercooked slimy wings...combined with The Blob...made them nearly impossible to pick up with out squirting from my fingers like picking up a bar of soap with a wet hand.  If you do indeed dare to eat wings here, bring a ShamWow to attempt to get a better grip on these slimy little bastards. Several were unfortunately shaped, which once again when combined with The Blob, appeared to be severed big toes.  Smaller wings might at least have a chance to be cooked thoroughly...but then again...maybe not.

Total: 1

Extras:  To add insult to injury, they charge you an additional $.65 for blue cheese and of course didn't include celery.  Just out curiosity, how much additional do I need to pay for these things to fried? I'd be willing to throw in a extra buck at this point.  Mine actually came out with Ranch and blue cheese...the blue cheese had chunks of something in it...but very little in the way of taste.  The Ranch was, by far, the highlight of the day.  And I never eat Ranch on wings.

Total: 0


Wings or a medical procedure? 


Final Score: 2 out of 50 (GRAB THE PEPTO-BISMOL!)

Well, there you have it.  The previous low score was a 16 from a place that is now under new ownership.  The worst part is, I've had wings WORSE than this once in Omaha...but that place is long been out of business.

Quite frankly, you'd have to intentionally try to make something this bad. Worse yet, it took them nearly 20 minutes to get them to me after I ordered.  I assume 18 of those minutes were fishing around the dumpster out back to find ones left over from the night before.   The only positive things to come from eating these wings is that they didn't have much of a taste...so I didn't belch up too much for the rest of the afternoon...AND...(fingers crossed) I didnt develop a raging case of food poisoning.  So, I have that going for me...which is nice.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Pitching the HitThatDive Office Christmas Party

It's just a few days before the second annual HitThatDive Office Christmas Party, and with the help of Brock (owner of The Village Bar) we've been hitting the airwaves to let Omaha know about the "Party of the Year" that's about to go down this Sunday in Ralston. 

The REAL Scuba Steve
In case you missed us on 1620 The Zone with Sharp and Benning...here's your chance to give a listen. HitThatDive on Sharp and Benning.

And, earlier this week our friends Pat & JT from Q98.5, again were nice enough to let HTD invade their airwaves.  HitThatDive on Pat & JT.

There are a limited number of tickets left, so if you still want to have one kick ass Sunday Funday...make sure to buy your tickets right here! HTD's Office Christmas Party 2014.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

HitThatDive's Office Christmas Party 2014

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”  Winston S. Churchill

How Far Did My $20 Go?: Regular readers of HitThatDive know that is one question I try to answer in every bar review.  To some, $20 is little more than a round of drinks.  And to others, a spare $20 is all that's leftover at the end of the week to provide things like food and clothes for their children.

So, what if I were to tell you that for a mere $20 you can be part of one hell of a party on December 14th, while at the same time, helping to fund the HitThatDive elves (you can be one too if you're at this year's party) as we prepare to surprise area shoppers all over Omaha by picking up the tab for everyday people in local stores just as they're getting ready to pay.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”  Charles Dickens

Come ready to PARTY.
You see, we've decided that the greatest positive impact that we can make in our community this year is to "pay it forward" to people that are going about their daily lives that may need just a little shot of good cheer right in the arm.

The Idea: It all started last year when I was bemoaning the fact that I've never been to a good old fashioned office party like I'm sure they had in the 50's. You know, the kind where there was booze, and mistletoe, and singing, and laughter, and overindulgence, and...well...a place where friends greeted each other with a hearty (and now politically incorrect) Merry Christmas!

Party Two from 2013
Yet, that has never once panned out for me.  Hell, even Ebenezer Scrooge partied like a rock star every Christmas Eve at good old Fezziwig's...well, before he became a real dickhead.  So last year, with the help of The Village Bar, we threw a party for a 100 or so people and had the time of our lives.  Oh yeah, and did I mention that we raised more than $3,000 for local families?

Bad Santa will be there again...will you be there too?

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”  Chelsea Handler

The Party:  On December 14 at 1:00 PM, and then again at 5:00 PM, we are throwing a good old fashioned, KICK ASS, Office Christmas party bigger and better than last year's at The Village Bar in Ralston.  There will be food, booze, music, fun, merriment, Bad Santa, prizes, free shirts, free stuff, friends, photocopiers, and most importantly...an opportunity to spread Christmas cheer all over the Omaha area.

What You Get: For your $20 donation you get access to a private party at The Village Bar.  A special edition HItThatDive Christmas shirt (only available to people registered for the party)  Drink specials. Chances to win hundreds of dollars in gift certificates to local bars. Ugly sweater contest. The now famous "Excuse Me, May I Hold Your Fruitcake"game. Christmas TV show trivia contest. The G-MAN as your DJ and emcee. And a most importantly, a chance to spend an afternoon with some of the best people in town who want to make our community a better place to live.

Everyone was looking festive last year!

How it Works: Just like last year, the first party (Bloody Mary Edition) will be from 1:00-4:00 and the second one (Harvey Wallbanger Edition) will be from 5:00-8:00.  Regardless of which one you attend, there will be the same amount of fun, swag, games, people, fun, and good cheer at both of them.  Or, live on the edge and sign up for both...just remember to take Monday off before you leave the office for the weekend.

That elf on the left won a huge salami last year. For reals!

Plus, knowing how hectic everyone's schedule can be at this time of year, offering two times gives everyone a little more flexibility in ensuring that you can make it.  So, unless you're out of town, there are no excuses for not attending!  Well, other than being lazy...but even HitThatDive can't blame you for that excuse.

So now I know what you're saying..."But Scuba Steve, how do I get MY ticket to attend?!"  Funny you should ask...both parties are each roughly 50% sold out...so if I were you, I'd click this link right ==============>>>>>>>>>> HERE...CLICK ME! to make sure you don't miss out on all the fun this year.

I hope that you'll take some time and join me at The Village Bar with the always fun and entertaining HitThatDive crowd.  There's never a dull moment when we're all together.

Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends. Clarence Oddbody, AS2

Merry Christmas.

Scuba Steve